Grilled to PERFECTION!

  If there is one thing about restaurants that drives me absolutely bat-shit crazy is the phrase "Grilled to perfection".  Throw in any other word such as cooked, roasted, sauteed... it doesn't matter, it still drives me out of my mind.  Why is this phrase so unnerving?  It's because the word "perfection" in this sense, is very subjective.  What does this word, together with the phrase, mean anyway?  I understand that the phrase is supposed to reflect the diner’s perception, but is that really the case?

When ordering a steak, is my definition of medium rare exactly the same as the guy grilling my steak?  I would like to think so, but how can I be positive?  Sure, there is a guideline for “a warm red center”, but in that nanosecond a steak crosses that threshold will it be on a dish in front of me, or still on the grill waiting to be plated?  If it’s still on the grill, the meat will continue to cook once plated and thus negate said “perfection.”

It’s bad enough to see that phrase written on a menu, but it’s twice as bad hearing it from a server.  It sounds scripted, like you’re a puppet simply regurgitating what you yourself have read on your crappy menu or what your less than stellar management staff has instructed you to say.

Read this aloud:

“Hello my name is Chad and I’ll be your server this evening.  Tonight our chef will be featuring a 22oz. bone-in porterhouse steak grilled to perfection accompanied by a…” 

See?  It sounds dumb as hell.  Be original, if a server says things like that to a table they run the risk of sounding like a complete moron.  Servers have to have a spiel to entice their guests and make them really look forward to what is about to come.  Servers are to not only sell the food, but the restaurant experience. The guests’ mouths should be salivating after a server has finished their spiel.  A good way to start a spiel is to build up the dish from top to bottom.  Instead of saying:

“Our special this evening is a hanger steak with a red wine sauce and sauteed onions…”

Say something a little more appealing, use some adjectives:

“Tonight our chef have prepared for you a ginger and soy marinated hanger steak grilled over hardwood coals with a caramelized onion jam finished with a red wine and veal stock demi-glace…”

Hmm, I know which dish I’ll be ordering.  Be expressive.  Make your guest hang on your every word.  Most importantly, be believable.  Even if you are a vegan and are completely repulsed by the thought of eating a steak, remember it’s not your steak.  You are trying to sell the steak.  Just because a bald man doesn’t use a hairbrush doesn’t mean he can sell one.

Another thing that drives me bonkers is when a server is asked, “What’s good on the menu?” and the server says, “Honestly, everything is fantastic.”  I want to jump out of my skin!  Is everything really fantastic?  I seriously doubt it.  Again, it’s subjective.  The worst part is that the server is not giving service by saying “everything is great” because the diner is looking for some direction.  They are looking for SERVICE. 

It’s not like going to a fast food joint and ordering off the big sign behind the counter.  Are you going to actually ask the teenager at the register at Mickey D’s if the double cheeseburger is good today?  People go to restaurants to submit, to let the server take them on a culinary journey.  This may sound strange if you work in a crappy chain restaurant where the dishes are thought up in a boardroom rather than an actual kitchen, but nonetheless, it’s the case.

Next time you are dining out ask the “What good tonight?” question to your server and watch the reaction.  It will usually be one of two scenarios:  They will simply stand there and say “Everything is great.” Or they will bow down, put their hands on their knees to get closer to you, lower their voice and say the same thing as though they are telling you some type of inside secret.

“Oh really?  You say everything is fantastic?  Well I had just written off the ‘Fried butthole stuffed with fromunda cheese on a crispy wonton chip, finished with a duck butter glaze’, because it sounds totally disgusting.  But I as a diner I have deemed you with your vast experience in this restaurant a credible authority, and if you say everything’s fantastic, I must put this item back in the running for what I should order.”

It’s extreme, I know, because who’s going to pair something fried with a crispy wonton chip?  It’s merely an example.  What I’m getting at with all of this is to be honest and objective.  People respect those who “shoot them straight”.   

Servers must realize that the menu is a tool for them to use.  It’s a tool to make money.  Chances are that you don’t like every dish on your menu, in fact you may totally hate many dishes, but it doesn’t help the guest if you say that something totally sucks ass.  It’s merely your opinion.   If a guest asks about a dish that you personally dislike, don’t trash it, just say something to the effect of “It’s very popular, but it’s not my favorite.”  The goal is to create a positive experience that makes the guest want to return.

I will admit that if a menu is filled with awesome sounding dishes, I want a little direction because I will be torn on what to order.  The best bet is not to just spiel the special of the night, but to tell me what’s popular and what the place is known for.  I want the full experience.